More Interruption

February 24, 2012

Dear Helena, Sebastian, and Stella,

Today is the day that I found out that the cancer has likely spread to my liver and my lower spine. Daddy and I are just in complete shock.

My surgeon, Dr. Yeh, told us that it probably wasn’t even in my lymph nodes before my double mastectomy on the 16th. So when she had to take 2/3 of my lymph nodes on my right side during the surgery, because the nodes were positive for cancer, it was quite a shock. She scheduled the PET scan and CT scans for today to see if it had spread, but we didn’t think it had. We all thought we had caught it early and it was all taken out during the mastectomy surgery. Now we don’t know that the spots on my liver and lower spine are for sure cancer…we won’t know until next week when they do a biopsy and bone scan.

In the mean-time, I wanted to write to you, my precious children whom I have prayed for since the moment I knew you were growing inside of me, and tell you how very much I love you. Even though what lies ahead seems like a very, very tall mountain, I am going to put on my hiking gear and forge ahead, because getting to the other side is what I WILL do. I have put my entire faith in our Lord and know that He will be with me every step of the way; with Him ALL things are possible. I want all three of you to grow up to love Jesus; I try to tell you about Him as often as I can. And we try to show you how much He loves you through the way we treat you and love you.

Helena, you have told me several times in the past few days that you want things to go back to normal--when it’s just Daddy, me, you, Sebastian, and Stella. I want things to go back to normal, too, baby. Unfortunately, we have a new normal around here. I am so thankful for your MarMar who has dropped everything and come to Augusta to stay with us, to help us. She has been getting up in the morning and giving you your bottle, Stella. She has been changing your poopy diapers, Sebastian. She has been reading you your favorite books, Helena. She loves you all so much and is here to help us because I’m not able to do the normal things I usually do.

I am healing quickly from my double mastectomy. Helena you’ve told me you like my new little boobies. And you’ve asked when I’m going to get the round things (areolas/nipples). Sebastian you have been so sweet and gentle with me and careful not to hurt me. Stella, you have been affected by this the most, I’m afraid. I’m not able to lift you up and hold you and I think I miss it just as much as you do. I sit on the floor a lot and let you climb into my lap, but it’s just not the same.

Your Daddy is an amazing man and I want you all to know how very much I love him, too. His faith in Jesus has never weakened and He is such a great source of strength for me. Helena and Stella, I hope that you are able to find a husband who will love you as much as your Daddy loves me. Sebastian, I hope that you will be the kind of husband your Daddy is to me. He works hard for us, he prays for us, and he loves us more than anything.

I love you Helena, Sebastian, and Stella. Each of you children were choices that your Daddy and I made; we wanted each of you in our lives and are so very blessed by your presence in ours. We love you more than any other thing in our lives, except for our Heavenly Father, and hope that we have made that perfectly evident in everything we do with and for you.

I love you Helena Claire Elise. I love you Sebastian Edward. I love you Stella Paige Anniella.

Love,

Momma

The Interruption

January 23, 2012

Dear Helena, Sebastian, and Stella,

Today is the day I was diagnosed with breast cancer. As I sit here on our bed trying to decide what to say to you, all three of you are asleep across the hall. Helena and Sebastian…you are in the guest bedroom sleeping together. You two are so funny together! As I was trying to get you to go to sleep, Helena you were complaining about Sebastian’s “hot feet”. Sebastian, you told me that Helena was putting her hot feet on you and Helena, you told Sebastian that you don’t have hot feet. Just last night, Helena, you asked Sebastian to put his “hot feet” on you as I was leaving the room. I LOVE that you like to sleep together and do it so well. Stella…I have started to wean you of your 6 am feeding. Your brother and sister did this on their own by this age…I’m not sure why you’re taking a little longer, but with all that is going on with me, we’ve decided it’s time. I really did miss cuddling you in the dark this morning, but I have stored the memory of holding your chubby little body in my mind for forever, just like I have the memories of holding Helena and Sebastian, at that age, in my memory also.

I don’t know what the future holds. I pray and have FAITH that I will be here to be with you and to help you grow into the God-loving children I know that the Lord wants you to be, but the truth is this world is an evil place and anything can happen. It’s only been 6 weeks since I had surgery for the ectopic pregnancy/ruptured fallopian tube. I have a really hard time believing that the Lord delivered me through that situation to now let this disease take me from my family that I love so very dearly.

My dear friend Jenny Brown was recently diagnosed with breast cancer in October. I had invited Jenny and her kids, Izzy and Ethan over for a playdate the Friday before Christmas…I’m sure you don’t remember playing with Izzy and Ethan in the playroom while Jenny and I talked, but she let me know that she had found a lump in her breast. After she left, probably Christmas weekend, I decided I needed to do a breast self-exam because she is younger than me. I found a lump in my right breast and noticed that when I raised my arms in the air, my right breast was flat at the bottom instead of round like the other one. Dr. McDonough referred me for a sonogram on the 18th of January. After the radiologist looked at the images from the sonogram and a mammogram, he recommended that I see a surgeon on the 19th for a needle biopsy. The surgeon didn’t feel comfortable doing the biopsy without a visual, so he referred me for a sonogram guided biopsy for the 20th.

During the biopsy, I felt an explosion or burst inside my right breast and felt extreme heat and burning. The radiologist said that burning is a form of pain and gave me more lidocain. After talking to Daddy, he thought maybe the burning was blood in my breast that had burst when they put the needle into the lump. I decided I should pump on that side before feeding you, Stella, to make sure there wasn’t blood in the breast milk. While I was pumping, I realized that I couldn’t feel the lump anymore. And as the weekend progressed, your 3rd birthday weekend Sebastian, I noticed that my breast wasn’t flat at the bottom anymore. After telling this to MarMar and Daddy, they both felt that it was just a blocked milk duct and everything was going to be ok.

So…when the surgeon called this afternoon with the news that I have breast cancer it was quite a shock. Daddy and I go to meet with him tomorrow afternoon to talk about treatment options--mastectomy or partial mastectomy. At this point, I am ready to have a full mastectomy, or double if needed, and get on with things. I am ready to move on to the next part of our lives and have this part behind us.

Helena, Sebastian, and Stella…you are the light and joy of my life. I cannot bear to think of not being here for every single minute of your lives and so I am not thinking about it. Instead, I am praising the Lord for every single moment that I am with you. I am telling you that I love you a thousand times a day and kissing you so much that you probably will be annoyed with me. But I want you to know how very, very, very much I love you and am so thankful that the Lord blessed me with each of you.

First of all, I have placed my life, and yours, in the hands of the Lord. He is in charge. He has everything in control. I am not in control…I am only using the brain that He gave me to make, hopefully, the best decisions to fight. I REFUSE to give in. I REFUSE to let this define who I am. I REFUSE to let this rob me of time spent with my most precious children. I REFUSE to allow this sickness to do to you what it did to me--grow up without my Daddy. This is my pledge to do everything I can do: FOREMOST, to trust in the Lord and give the control to Him. And secondly to FIGHT…to fight with every ounce of my being to be here for every single day of your lives.

I love you Helena Claire Elise. I love you Sebastian Edward. I love you Stella Paige Anniella.

Momma